Hey Grovers, it’s now officially Fall! On the calendar, at least. Here, in South Florida, where I produce Willow’s Grove, it is still near 90° and high humidity. Now, before you get all ansy and complain about my last statement, I am not stating that to gloat or brag, I am saying that because I simply hate…no, hate is too weak of a word to use here…hmmm…I LOATHE the heat and humidity! In South Florida we DO have a change of seasons…they are: hot, oh my God it’s hot, hot and humid and warm…with a couple of weeks in February where it sometimes gets cool at night…cool by the standards of South Florida, which means below 70°. When that happens, you see folks on the news all bundled up and shivering, then there’s that one guy in the background still in shorts and a t-shirt eating ice cream. That person would be me!
I would much rather see “normal” weather, which to me “normal” means an actual change of seasons, cool in the fall with the leaves changing color, cold as crap in the winter with white stuff turning to gray stuff on the ground, cool in the spring as the trees come back to life with a wave of green and summer where it is nice and warm. See, I am originally from Pennsylvania, but in my childhood, I was taken away in the middle of the night and woke up in South Florida, doomed to sweat at even the thought of going outside, doomed to be sequestered in recycled air conditioning, longing for the artificial heat to dry out my sinuses to the point of nose bleed, hoping for the chance to drive on black ice (which I did when I was old enough to do and took a road trip back to my hometown…good times…good times…oh look, the world is spinning…WEEEEEEEEEEE-and I’m in a ditch). I want to see my breath when I go outside in late fall and winter, I want to have to shovel the walk over and over again (actually, I’d pay the neighbor kid to do it…if, in fact, I had a walk to shovel. If I were to live back up north, it would be out in the middle of nowhere, where if I wanted to wave hello to my neighbor, I’d have to use signal flags) and I want to have it feel like it is something other than summer in December (oooo, it’ll be Christmas soon!…really? Will Santa switch to his beach-buggy to deliver presents?).
I know, I know, but Karl, you have the beach to go to year round! Trust me, it gets old real fast…especially in South Florida where there is an average of 5 people per square foot. You can’t turn to the side without knocking someone over (here, let me help you up….RIGHT! Like they would do that without stealing your wallet first before pushing you back down and emptying their gun into your skull, reload, then empty it again). There are simply too many people down here, and they all live on “Planet Me.” What’s that, you ask? It is the get out of my way, you’re keeping me from getting to where I want to go because it is my road, not yours. Four-way stop? Psshht! Yeah, right, for YOU maybe. I stopped (again, maybe), now it’s my turn to go! GET OUT OF MY WAY! Got fruit trees in your back yard with fruit on it? Hey, thanks for taking the time to grow that all those months for me, I’ll take all of them now, then steal your fence to teach you a lesson to keep me out of your yard. How dare you? (empties gun into you for good measure).
So as Fall settles in, and I dream of being in the area I base Willow’s Grove in, we will soon have Halloween upon us where kids get all dressed up in their costumes down here, forgo trick-or-treating (whew! so frickin’ hot the candy melts into puddles of chocolate at the bottom of your bag…hey, what’d you get? Oh, a bunch of brown lumps that look like cow patties! Cool, me too…wanna’ trade?) and hit the malls for Fall Festivals because Planet Me Guy over there has made it too dangerous to walk the sidewalks to visit the neighbors for lumps of candy (I know Planet Me Guy, it’s your sidewalk and we’re in your way). Happy Fall everyone!